Fullmetal Randomness!
by Rozemai
Summary: Winry, Ed, Al, Scar, Greed, and Roy are brought together and have some crazy adventures from going to the store, to fighting Bowser, to dogsitting at the blues clues house. Author 1 is Crimson Blade Alchemist, I am Author 2, and Author 3 is Jasuchin.
1. Chapter 1 Milk and Broccoli

Fullmetal Randomness!!

Chapter 1: Milk and Broccoli

Setting: Ed, Al, Scar, and Greed are eating dinner at Winry's house and Ed refuses to eat his broccoli and drink his milk. In order to get him to eat it Winry has conspired with the others to force Ed to eat his dinner.

Ed: (bangs knife and fork on the table) Food! Food! Food!

Al: Knock it off Ed. Winry was nice enough to invite us over for dinner and the least you could do is be civilized. Ed, can you hear me? (waves hand in front of Ed's face)

Greed: Maybe it has something to do with all that candy he ate earlier.

Scar: You fed him candy!? Are you insane!? (Ed starts shaking and laughing for no apparent reason)

Ed: Food! (Winry walks in)

Winry: Ed, shut up and sit down now! (puts plates on the table)

Ed: (looks excited then makes a face) Ew, broccoli! Don't tell me I have to eat broccoli! (flicks a piece with his finger)

Winry: (puts knife in Ed's face) You will eat your broccoli and you will like it! (turns to the others and smiles) Enjoy! (walks back into the kitchen)

Ed: (glares at a glass of milk) She even gave me milk! She knows I hate milk! (makes another face)

Winry: (from kitchen) Drink your milk! (Ed sticks his tongue out at Winry)

Al: Ed, eat your broccoli and drink your milk. They're good for you!

Greed: (talks sarcastic) Yeah. (spears a piece of broccoli and holds it up) Good for you. (puts it in his mouth and spits it out immediately) What the hell!?

Scar: Quit being a baby. (puts some in his mouth, begins chewing, and makes a face. Then he slowly swallows it) Wow. (leans over and coughs)

Ed: (glares at Al) See!

Al: My bad. Fine, drink your milk. It doesn't taste that bad.

Greed: (leans chair back on two legs) Come on kid. It might actually make you taller.

Ed: (glares daggers at Greed before jumping across the table, hands reaching for Greed's neck) Who are you calling a bean sprout midget who will never amount to anything!?

Roy: (suddenly appears dressed in a pirate suit, singing pirate songs off-key) Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me! Howdy mates, whatcha doing? (everyone is staring at him) What?

Scar: Why are you dressed in a pirate costume?

Roy: I liked the eye patch, and it just wouldn't seem right wearing it without the rest of the costume. Ooooo… whatcha eatin'? (sits down at the table)

Greed: Broccoli. (puts a piece on his spoon and launches it at Ed)

Ed: I'll kill you! (goes to attack Greed again)

Scar: Note to self... never take Roy to the movies to see Pirates of the Caribbean ever again...

Winry: (walks in) Ed! Sit down and finish your dinner! (Ed sits down and Greed laughs behind his hand) Good to see you again Roy. Here, have some dinner.

Roy: (Winry sets a plate in front of him) Ew, broccoli.

Winry: (flares) What do you mean 'Ew, broccoli?'

Roy: (cowers down in his chair) Nothing…

Winry: (backs off) Good. Now eat. (sits down at the table and begins to eat) Ed, drink your milk and eat your broccoli. They're good for you.

Ed: No! (crosses arms)

Winry: (forced patience) Ed, drink your milk and eat your broccoli!

Ed: No! I refuse! You can't make me!

Al: (leans over to Ed) I think it might be in your best interest to drink your milk and eat your broccoli before Winry gets angry.

Roy: Yes Ed, drink your milk and maybe one day you'll become a cool pirate like me! (pulls sword out of nowhere and makes a pose)

Scar: Where did you get the sword? (everyone looks confused)

Roy: (flames appear) Never you mind! (Scar looks unconvinced and Roy goes back to being normal) But since you asked, I'll tell you. A nice policeman took it from me on my way here and I just got it back. Anyways, if you don't eat your broccoli and drink your milk you'll never become a cool pirate like me! (strikes another pose)

Greed: I thought you said broccoli is disgusting. (flings another piece at Ed when Winry isn't looking)

Roy: That's not the point! (waves sword around, Scar and Al ducking to avoid it)

Winry: Sit down and eat your dinner! (Roy quickly sits down as Ed readies a knife to throw at Greed) Ed, put that down now! (Ed sits back down and Greed laughs)

Ed: I don't want to eat that nasty stuff! (pushes milk and broccoli away)

Winry: Al, hold him down. (puts down silverware and wipes mouth with napkin)

Al: What? (looks afraid)

Winry: You heard me. (stands up as Al sighs and grabs Ed who immediately begins struggling)

Ed: Let me go! (Greed grabs the other arm) What are you doing?

Greed: This is going to be fun. (Scar and Roy each grab a leg and hold Ed down as Winry grabs a glass of milk)

Ed: No! No! No! No! No! (Winry pinches Ed's nose shut with one hand) No! No! No! No! No!

Winry: Scar, grab some broccoli! (Ed closes his mouth as Winry tries to pour milk in it) Ed, open your mouth! (Ed shakes his head)

Greed: Open up! (pries Ed's mouth open and Ed bites him) Ow! (pulls finger away) Why you…

Winry: (pours milk in Ed's mouth) Now swallow! (Ed's face begins to turn blue and he shakes his head) Swallow I said!

Al: Come on Ed, swallow it! Just get it over with!

Ed: (spits milk out in Winry's face) Ha, ha! You can't get me to eat your stinky cooking and you can't get me to drink that nasty milk! Death to milk and broccoli!

Winry: (flares) How dare you call my cooking stinky and spit milk in my face!!? (milk is dripping out of her hair)

Ed: (laughs) Na, na, na, na, na, na! (blows raspberry and suddenly stops laughing) No, don't, please!

Winry: (grabs spoon and jacks Ed's mouth open before pouring an entire glass down his throat) That'll teach you not to call my cooking stinky and spit milk in my face.

Ed: (spits spoon out) Are you insane!? I could have choked!

Scar: Big loss there.

Ed: Shut up!

Roy: He still hasn't eaten his broccoli! (Scar shovels everyone's broccoli on one plate and hands it to Winry)

Winry: You'll thank me some day! (puts some in Ed's mouth and forces him to chew it)

Ed: (swallows and gags) I'm not thanking you now! (Winry shoves another piece in his mouth and he starts to gag)

Several minutes later…

Winry: See Ed, it wasn't that bad. (Ed is green and isn't moving) Now if you eat your dinner like a good boy this won't happen again.

Al: Winry, I think something's wrong. Ed isn't moving.

Greed: (sounds excited) Maybe he's been poisoned!

Scar: Don't count on it.

Roy: (hugs Ed) Ed, you can't leave me! You just can't! If you do there won't be anyone for me to go flower picking with and shoot spit wads at and give wedgies to! (starts sobbing and blows nose on Ed's shirt)

Ed: Get…off…me…

Roy: What did you say?

Ed: You…are…crushing…me…

Roy: (shouts in Ed's ear) You have to speak louder or else I can't understand you!

Ed: (pushes Roy off) Get off me! What are you, deaf!?

Al: (hugs Ed) Ed, you weren't poisoned after all!

Winry: (glares at Al) What did you say?

Al: Um…Ed, you survived!

Winry: Ahem…

Al: Uh…uh…Ed, you finally ate your delicious dinner made by Winry and now are so full you can't eat anymore of her wonderful cooking.

Winry: Thank you Al.

Ed: Whatever.

Greed: Damn it, he survived. (looks disappointed)

Scar: It would have been such a loss.

Ed: Stop sounding so sarcastic!

Winry: (gathers all the plates) Now that all of you have eaten, you can go out and play. (goes back into the kitchen)

Roy: Yeah! I call the swing! (runs outside while waving his sword)

Scar: Let's go blow something up. (walks outside)

Greed: (puts on sunglasses) Sounds like fun! (walks outside after Scar)

Al: Come on, let's go before Roy sets something on fire. (walks outside)

Ed: (looks around before cackling evilly and rubbing his hands together) Now, to get rid of that evil milk and broccoli!

5 minutes later…

Al: (comes back inside) Ed, where are you? (walks into the kitchen) Ed? Ed! What are you doing?

Ed: (whirls around and hides a jug of milk behind his back) Nothing. (looks around the room)

Al: You were pouring milk down the sink, weren't you?

Ed: No…I…was…washing out this jug for Winry! (cheesy smile)

Al: Okay…come outside them when you're done. (leaves)

Ed: Whew. That was close. (turns back to the sink) Now to get rid of the rest and destroy the evidence! (laughs evilly as he continues to pour milk down the drain) No more milk! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Meanwhile…

Winry: Roy, how could you stab yourself with your sword?

Roy: (crying) That nice policeman that took it away before tried to take it away from me again and I accidentally stabbed myself.

Greed: What a baby. Hey, where'd Scar go?

French Policeman: (talking to a handcuffed Scar) Why ze hell did you have to blow up ze Eiffel Tower!?

Scar: I'm telling you I didn't do it!

French Policeman 2: But several eye witnesses say zat a man fitting your description blew up ze Eiffel Tower along wiz a man wiz sunglasses, a fur lined vest, and…um (looks down at interrogation report) …shark teeth.

Scar: Whatever.

Greed: (smiles and shrugs) Good thing I got out of there when I did.

Al: Roy, you need to stop crying.

Ed: (appears out of nowhere) What's goin' on?

Al: Roy stabbed himself with his sword when he got in a fight with a policeman and hasn't stopped crying since.

Ed: Where's Scar? (looks around)

Winry: Now that you mention it, where is he? (Greed looks away)

Al: Greed, you wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you?

Greed: (smiles unconvincingly) No!

Winry: Where is he? (Greed gulps)

Greed: (looks around before leaning in close) We went out to blow stuff up and we decided to blow up the Eiffel Tower and when we were about to get caught I ran away.

Al: Why on earth would you want to blow up the Eiffel Tower?

Greed: It made a big explosion and we could make lots of money threatening to do it again to some other place like the Statue of Liberty or the Pyramids of Giza.

Winry: Money!? You were worried about money!? Now Scar's in some jail in France and Roy is sitting here crying because he scratched himself with his sword! How could this day get any worse!?

Aunt Pinako: Winry! We're all out of milk and broccoli! You're going to have to run to the grocery store and get some more!

Scar: What's wrong now? (walks up)

Ed: Where have you been?

Greed: Yeah, how did you get out?

Scar: I got out on a technicality. Something about blowing up the Eiffel Tower after 6:00 p.m. isn't illegal or something along those lines.

Winry: Anyways… (stands up) tomorrow we're going to have to go to the grocery store and get some more milk since we somehow ran out.

Roy: Can I take my sword with me?

Everybody: NO!!

Roy: (cowers away) Sorry, just asking…

Winry: All right! Everybody in bed!

Ed: (pulls out pocket watch) It's 7:00 o' clock! We can't go to bed yet!

Winry: (flames appear in the background) Now!

30 minutes later…

Ed: (throws covers off) I don't wanna go to bed yet! Hey, anybody else still awake? (everybody sits up except Roy who is singing pirate songs in his sleep)

Roy: Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me… (snores)

Scar: Why are you wearing purple pajamas?

Ed: (hugs pajamas) I LOVE PURPLE!!

Scar: Okay…

Greed: Wake up. (pokes Roy in the side)

Roy: (sits up) Here's my wallet, just please don't hurt me! (pulls out an imaginary object and hugs his pillow to his chest)

Al: Wake up Roy.

Scar: What are you doing? (Greed throws off covers)

Greed: Goin' out for a night on the town! (jumps out of bed, pulls on vest, and puts on sunglasses) Come on, let's go!

Al: Where would we go? This is the middle of nowhere. There isn't anything to do.

Greed: Not even a bar or strip club!?

Ed: A pub. Besides we can think of more fun things to do.

Roy: (looks excited and jumps on Ed's bed) Like what?

Ed: (looks nervous and inches away) I don't know…

Greed: (opens window and climbs halfway out) Later losers. (jumps down)

Roy: Wait for me! (jumps out window)

Al: Roy, don't! (large crash)

Winry: (from downstairs) What are you boys doing up there!? You'd better not have broken anything! (starts climbing up the stairs)

Al: Crap! What do we do now? (starts pacing and freaking out)

Ed: Relax, we just have to get them back in here before Winry gets up here and she won't notice anything.

Greed: (from outside) What's this idiot doing out here? He won't stop crying!

Scar: Can you throw him back up here? (pokes head out window)

Greed: Hang on!

Winry: (door bangs open) What are you guys doing up here!? Where is Greed and Roy!? (looks outside) Roy! How did you get down there!? Are you all right!? Greed! Don't you try and hide from me! I can see you!

Greed: Damn it!

Winry: (turns around) What were you thinking letting Roy jump out the window!?

Al: (looks scared as everyone else cowers into a corner) He did it all on his own. Please don't hurt me.

Roy: (walks in the door holding a broken sword) My sword is broken! (starts crying)

Scar: You mean you're not hurt at all? (looks annoyed)

Roy: (continues crying) My sword is broken!

Greed: (walks in) What'd I miss?

Roy: (turns on Greed) MY SWORD IS BROKEN! (starts bawling)

Winry: (goes to comfort Roy) It's okay. When we go to the store tomorrow we'll get you a brand new one.

Roy: I want my old one!

Winry: Why don't you go to bed? You'll feel better in the morning.

Roy: (stops crying and wipes off eyes) Okay, sniff.

Winry: Okay, let's all go back to bed. (Greed starts crawling into bed) But not you!

Greed: (feigns innocence) What?

Winry: You've caused all sorts of trouble today and now you get to sit in the timeout chair!

Greed: (looks scared) No! Not the timeout chair!

Winry: Yes! (grabs Greed by the collar)

Greed: No! (Winry drags Greed out the door) Noooo! Please, god, no! (silence)

Al: (curls up on his bed) Brother, I'm scared.

Ed: (moves close to Al) It's okay. We didn't do anything that bad.

Scar: What do you think happened to him? (Roy whimpers in his sleep)

Ed: I don't know, but I don't want to find out.

15 minutes later…

Al: (Greed walks in and his eyes are opened wide) What happened to you? Are you all right?

Greed: (sits on bed and starts talking in a creepy voice) Will be good.

Ed: What?

Greed: Will be good.

Scar: Greed, are you all right? (Ed walks over and starts snapping his fingers in Greed's face)

Greed: (doesn't blink) Will be good. (climbs into bed)

Al: What has she done to you?

Greed: Timeout chair good for Greed. Greed will be good from now on.

Ed: We must get revenge!

Roy: (talks in his sleep) He was a good sword. He gave his life to save me… (starts snoring)

Scar: (looking at Roy) That was weird.

Ed: Anyways, we must destroy that timeout chair immediately or risk being brainwashed like Greed!

Scar: What? And risk the brainwashing? I'm not that stupid.

Al: I agree with Scar. Let's just go to bed and maybe he'll be better in the morning.

Ed: Fine, just leave Winry to brainwash us with her timeout chair as she pleases! (gets up) I'm going and you can't stop me! (opens the door and sneaks out into the hallway)

Greed: (gets up) Is he gone? I can't believe he fell for it!

Al: You mean you weren't brainwashed?

Greed: Hell no! It was a little boring just sitting there with my nose in the corner but it was worth it if he tries to burn that chair. (smirks and shrugs)

Scar: I'm going to bed before I start getting blamed for all this stuff. (lays back down)

Winry: (screaming downstairs) Edward Elric! What do you think you are doing setting that chair on fire in the house!? What's that smell!? That had better not be gasoline! (large explosion)

Roy: (sits up with his thumb in his mouth) Somebody call the police!

Greed: Oh shut up and go back to bed!

Roy: Okay. (goes back to bed and Greed gives him a weird look)

Ed: (suddenly runs back into the room, locks the door, and shoves a chair under the doorknob. He is completely black) Ha, ha! The timeout chair is no more!

Winry: (through the door) Ed! Open this door immediately! (starts banging on the door)

Ed: (looks at Greed) Hey, when did you get better?

Greed: As soon as you left.

Winry: (smashes wrench through the door) Open this door now!

Ed: You're gonna die Greed! (tackles Greed and starts to strangle him. They roll around on the floor until Al opens the door and Winry separates them. Ed's nose is bleeding and Greed is completely unharmed)

Winry: What were you thinking when you blew up that chair and half the living room!?

Ed: (plugs nose to stop the blood) Well Greed came back all brainwashed and everything and I didn't want to be next so I decided to burn it. (points at Greed) It's all his fault!

Greed: You were stupid enough to believe me. It's not my fault you're so stupid.

Ed: (flares) Die! (jumps on Greed)

Winry: Enough! (pulls Ed off Greed) When we go to the store tomorrow I expect you to be civilized and not embarrass me in any way. Got that?

Ed: Why can't you just leave us at home?

Winry: Because you blew up half the living room, Greed can't be trusted by himself, and Roy is a danger to everyone especially himself. Now go to bed!

Ed: Fine!

Winry: I hope this day ends soon. (walks out of the room rubbing her forehead)

Ed: (from his bed) I hate you Greed.

Greed: Good to know.


	2. Chapter 2 The Grocery Store

Chapter 2: The Grocery Store

Setting: Winry has just taken everyone to the grocery store and Roy has taken off his pirate suit in mourning of his broken sword.

Roy: (wearing his military uniform and looking extremely depressed) I loved that sword so much…

Scar: Get over it. You paid a dollar for that sword at the movie theater.

Roy: Actually I stole it off of that really nice policeman I told you about earlier. (Winry walks up with a cart and Ed is strapped in the baby seat)

Winry: All right, Ed is coming with me since he can't behave himself so the rest of you can look at whatever you want. (walks off)

Greed: I need something alcoholic to drink. See you later. (puts on sunglasses and walks off)

Roy: Winry! Wait for me! (runs off after Winry)

Scar: Okay, what are we going to do?

Al: I don't know.

Scar: I guess I'll just wander around the store then.

Al: (looks around) Oh! (runs over to a display) DDR machines!

Ed: (attempting to unfasten the buckle) I don't see why I have to ride in this stupid baby seat! (throws down the buckle in frustration) Damn this child-proofness!

Winry: The only reason you're in the baby seat is because you can't be trusted alone.

Ed: What about Roy?

Winry: Um…have some apple juice. (hands Ed a bottle and he starts to drink)

Ed: (spits out milk) This is milk! Are you trying to poison me woman!?

Winry: Here then, have an animal cracker. (hands Ed an animal cracker shaped like a giraffe)

Ed: His head is missing! (bends close to cracker) I shall name you Jeffery after the Toys R Us giraffe. Now I shall dismember you piece by piece until I deem you ready to consume. No, no, don't cry. It won't hurt…that much. (Winry rolls her eyes as Ed snaps off a leg) Hee, hee, now I shall eat your leg. (nibbles the leg until it's gone) Yes, yes, yes!

Greed: Um…I think I missed an aisle… (looks down the cereal aisle and starts walking down it) Look at all this. (picks up a box) I wonder what it is. (shakes box and listens to it) It sounds like it has something in it. (nearby person is shaking their head)

Roy: (runs down random aisles) Winry! I'm lost! Winry! (stops and sits down in the frozen food section) Help me, I'm lost! (starts shivering) I'm so cold… (crawls over to one of the shelves and curls into a ball) So cold… (starts crying again) My sword is broken!

Scar: I think I made a wrong turn somewhere… (looks around the storage warehouse looking for the door) Hello!? (voice echoes back several seconds later) Okay, I'm screwed. (voice echoes back a few seconds later)

Al: (reading sign) Automotive Department. (looks around) Okay, maybe Scar's in here.

Employee: (pops out of nowhere) Hey there, sir. Anything I can help you with?

Al: (screams and jumps on top of a display) What do you want!?

Employee: You look a little rusty, sir.

Al: Rusty! (looks around himself for rust spots) I don't see any…

Employee: Well don't your worry my good sir! Since we caught it in its early stages we can get rid of it before it causes any major damage.

Al: (scared) How do we stop it?

Employee: You just need a little oil. (makes Al walk into the Automotive Department with him)

Winry: This is insane! $2.49 for one pound of broccoli! Who would pay that much!? (Ed is still eating Jeffery) How's that animal cracker coming Ed?

Ed: (looks annoyed) His name is Jeffery and I am slowly dismembering him until I deem him worthy to be consumed!

Winry: Okay… (goes back to shopping)

Ed: (snaps off Jeffery's last leg) Mmm…now I eat your left leg! (eats leg) Winry, can I have another animal cracker?

Winry: (looking at a box) No, finish the one you have. (puts box in cart)

Ed: (puts Jeffery in his pocket) Can I have another one now?

Winry: No, you just put your first one in your pocket.

Ed: How about now?

Winry: No! You just threw it into your fruit cup! Wait…where did you get a fruit cup Ed?

Ed: I don't know.

Winry: Well…anyways no!

Ed: (gets angry) How dare you refuse me woman!? (pulls Jeffery out and begins to nibble on him) Hmph. (leans close to Jeffery) Tell me Jeffery, how do I break this child-proof buckle? Tell me! (hits Jeffery against the buckle and it clicks open) Thank you, Jeffery! (kisses animal cracker before cramming it in his mouth) I deem you worthy to be eaten! Tally ho! (jumps out of the cart)

Winry: Come back here Ed!

Ed: (runs off) Catch me if you can!

Winry: Ed!

Greed: (picks up a box of Cocoa Puffs) This looks interesting. It's so…rectangular looking and…what is this writing? I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. (flips box over) Free t-shirt when you send in 10 box tops. (stands there for a second) I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! (starts grabbing as many boxes as he can reach) Oooo! (drops all the boxes and walks over to another shelf) Cocoa Puff Cereal Bars. Gimme! (grabs several boxes of cereal bars and starts picking up some of the other boxes)

Roy: Popsicles! (jumps up and opens a box of popsicles before pulling out several flavors and ripping the wrappers off of them) Mmm! (licks each flavor) Oh! Fudgesicles! (drops the popsicles and rips open a box of Fudgesicles) Oh! Ice cream sandwiches! (goes to rip open a box of ice cream sandwiches but hesitates) Man! (looks between the Fudgesicles and the box of ice cream sandwiches) What do I choose!? (starts crying)

Little girl: Mommy, that man is acting weird. (points at Roy)

Little girl's mother: Just ignore him and maybe he'll go away. (hurries away with her daughter)

Roy: (stops and looks at them) What?

Scar: (wanders down another aisle) Let's take a look in here. (opens a box to reveal a big screen TV) Where's a plug? (looks around and a plug magically appears) There we go. Now, what else is there around here?

Al: Is this really necessary? (Employee is pouring oil over his head)

Employee: Yes! This is the cure for all forms of rust whether it be on a car or on a…um…a car!

Al: But I'm not a car and I'm starting to fill with oil!

Employee: That's just a normal side-effect of the procedure. It's all right.

Al: Um, that's enough oil. (oils starts seeping out from under his arms)

Employee: Nonsense! That rust is still there.

Al: You can't just get rid of rust by just pouring oil all over it! (runs away from the Employee, leaving a trail of oily footprints)

Employee: (starts to chase after Al) Get back here! You have to pay for all that oil!

Al: You didn't say it would cost anything!

Employee: One of the many tools used by the expert salesman!

Al: Brother, help!

Ed: (panting) I…think…I…lost…her… (looks around) Where am I? (looks around again) This is all baby stuff!

Employee 2: (talks in annoying baby voice) Aw, did you get separated from your mother little guy? (tickles Ed under his chin)

Ed: Who are you calling too small to be seen with a magnifying glass!?

Employee 2: Somebody's a little cranky! I think you need a nap!

Ed: I am not a baby! I do not need a nap! (Employee 2 picks Ed up) Put me down this instant! (Employee 2 puts Ed in a crib)

Employee 2: You stay right there and I'll go get you a bottle of milk. (walks off)

Ed: No! No! No! Not milk! Now I must devise a way to escape from this prison. (looks around) Oooo…pretty colors! (sits down in front of toy and starts playing with it) Oooo! It even lights up and makes noise!

Evil Toy of Doom: do do doo do do doo... (in monotone) the cow says... **MOO!!**

Ed: (jumps up in surprise) AHH!!! 0o

Scar: (flipping through channels) no... no... no... no... teletubbies... GOD NO... no ... no... Fox news... BORING!... no... no... (throws remote across the room) THERE'S NOTHING ON!!! (searches through boxes and pulls out a random electric guitar complete with amp and starts playing it and frowns.) I don't think I need to be playing with these medium strings. (strums it) I need light gauge if I'm gonna thrash.

Creepy Hobo: (appears out of nowhere) You stuck here too?

Scar: (jumps and drops the guitar) Oops... (looks at Creepy Hobo) I guess so.

Creepy Hobo: I've been stuck in here for 5 years.

Scar: What have you been doing down here? It's so boring.

Creepy Hobo: (pulls out PS2) DDR. Ever heard of it?

Scar: DDR? What the hell is DDR?

Creepy Hobo: Dance Dance Revolution. Come here, I'll show you. (moves over to the TV Scar set up and sets up PS2. Hooks 2 dance pads into controller slots and steps back.) Okay, the object of the game is to press the arrows when they reach the top.

Scar: (steps into center of pad) This is childish. Roy would love this.

Al: (runs into baby department and sees Ed hiding from a colorful toy) Brother?

Ed: (hiding behind a giant stuffed giraffe) Shhh. I'm hiding from the evil toy. Every time I go near it, it yells at me like Winry, only in gibberish.

Al: What? (walks to toy. The last of the oil leaks out of his feet)

Evil Toy of Doom: The safety alarm says... **EEE EEE EEE EEE EEE EEE**

Al: (jumps back, slips in oil and falls down) AHHH!

Ed: (jumps out from behind Jeffery the giant stuffed giraffe) Oh no you did-unt (snaps fingers to the left of his face then the right and bobs head) You can mess with me, but not my little brother! (claps hands and his arm transformed into a handblade) DIE EVIL TOY!!!!!! (leaps at the toy)

Al: Brother, wait!

Roy: (his waistline expanded almost three inches after cleaning out the ice cream aisle) Oh god, if I eat anymore, I'm going to explode.

Employee 3: Excuse me sir, are you going to pay for all of this? (gestures to piles of empty boxes and buckets.

Roy: Umm... that wasn't me. A kid named Edward Elric ran through here and started eating these. I told him to stop, but he punched me and that's why I'm on the floor. And I'm just naturally this fat... (cries) I'm so sensitive about my weight!!!

Employee 3: Oh... sorry sir. Can you describe this "Edward?"

Roy: He is short with blonde hair. But don't call him short or he'll rip you to pieces. Plus, he's half-robot!! He's really scary. Half of him is made of metal!

Employee 3: ... (looks skeptical) okay...

Roy: (becomes enraged at the employee) Why don't you just go back and hang out with your dead mummified wife!

Employee 3: (tries to get as far away from Roy as possible)

Roy: MUMMY LOVER! (points at employee)

Winry: (searching franticly around the store) Where the hell is Ed? He's got to be-

Echo of Toy: **EEE EEE EEE EEE EEE EEE**

Echo of Ed: DIE!!!!!!

Winry: I'm going to kill him...

Ed: (the "evil" toy's parts are scattered all over the aisle and Ed is laughing maniacally) MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I have saved you brother.

Al: (sweatdrops) Um…Ed…look…

Winry: (fire appears in the background) Edward Elric! Of all the stupid things you could have done you decided to do this!? You're dead!

Employee 2: Ma'am, how are you planning to pay for all this?

Winry: (sweatdrops) Can I, um, pay for it up front?

Employee 2: No.

Winry: Why not? I have the money! (quickly looks through her purse and doesn't have enough and thinks to herself) All right…maybe I don't…

Al: Winry! Ed's running away again! (Ed runs off)

Winry: Ed, no! (runs off)

Employee 2: We get all the weirdoes.

Scar: (Finishes song) This is actually kind of fun. (Creepy Hobo is just staring at him) What are you looking at?

Creepy Hobo: My Lord! (throws himself at Scar's feet) I thought I would never meet the true DDR Master! I am unworthy to wipe the slime off your boots!

Scar: (backs away) I don't think we need to go that far… Need way out now…

Creepy Hobo: There is no way out. I've been looking for years.

Scar: (grabs PS2 and DDR) Then I'll make a way out. (blows up wall) Later! (runs away)

Creepy Hobo: My Lord! Come back and teach me the secret technique! (chases Scar)

Scar: Go away!

Greed: I need these bagged. (dumps fifty boxes of Cocoa Puffs onto the check-out counter) Paper, not plastic. Put the cereal bars separate from the regular cereal into medium-sized paper bags with handles for easier carrying. Also make sure that there is the exact same number of boxes in each bag.

Employee 4: (blows huge bubble) Whatever. (starts scanning boxes)

Greed: What are you doing?

Employee 4: Scanning em.

Greed: Why? All I want is for you to put them in bags.

Employee 4: Sir, you have to pay for these. You do know that right?

Greed: Pay!! I'll have you know I've never paid for anything in my life! (slams fist onto counter) Give me those! (grabs all the boxes) I have been extremely insulted! (stalks off)

Employee 4: Whatever (goes back to magazine)

Greed: (hiding behind clothes rack) Damn, now what do I do?

Roy: (waddles out of the frozen foods section) Winry! Winry! Where are you!? (falls over and can't get up) Help me! I've fallen over and can't get up!

Ed: You can't catch me! (runs past Roy)

Winry: (looking extremely angry) Get back here Edward Elric!

Al: Brother!

Roy: Winry, help me! (watches as they run away. Suddenly an old lady on an electric scooter starts driving up and Roy stands up and blocks the aisle, suddenly skinny again) Stop!

Old Lady: What is the meaning of this!? Out of my way! (honks horn)

Roy: I need this vehicle for a military operation. Please evacuate immediately.

Old Lady: Are you gonna make me?

Roy: Get off the seat! (tries to shove off the Old Lady as he sits down)

Old Lady: Police! Police! This man is molesting me! (whacks Roy over the head with her purse)

Roy: Ow! What do you have in there? Bricks?

Old Lady: Away from me! (sprays Roy in the face with pepper spray)

Roy: God! It hurts so much! (hits the gas and drives off, hitting the walls and knocking stuff onto the floor) Mommy make it stop!

Old Lady: Come back here and fight like a man!

Greed: (walks up to the door, his shirt and vest all puffed out) Good day! (waves)

Employee 4: Um, sir, what are you doing?

Greed: Nothing, why?

Employee 4: There is a box of Cocoa Puffs sticking out of your shirt.

Greed: No there isn't. (pokes box back into his shirt)

Employee 4: (picks up phone and dials a number) Security. Yeah, I have a shoplifter on my hands. Better bring backup.

Greed: Shit! (runs for the door)

Guard: Stop!

Greed: (laughs maniacally) I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! (gets stuck in the door) Noooooo!

Guard: (talking into walkie-talkie) Requesting backup!

Greed: (sobbing) I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs… cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs…

Winry: (grabs Ed) I have you now!

Ed: (scratches Winry) Let me go! Let me go I say!

Al: Ed, Winry, look out! (Roy drives up on his electric scooter)

Roy: My eyes! My eyes!

Winry: (dives to the side) Roy, watch where you're going!

Roy: Winry! (falls off the scooter) Where are you!?

Ed: Hee, hee. Roy got pepper sprayed by an old lady!

Al: Ed, that isn't very nice.

Scar: (runs past) Get away from me!

Creepy Hobo: Teach me the secret technique!

Scar: Go away!

Author 1: GET AWAY FROM HIM! HE'S MINE!! (kills Creepy Hobo with huge knife) Sorry, go back to whatever it is that you were doing.

Author 2: Wait! We should have a fight in the aisle like that one Meijer commercial!

Author 1: Good idea! Wait a second.

10 minutes later…

Author 1: Okay, I'm ready! (walks up dressed in a suit of armor with her huge sword, a cape made of bubble wrap around her shoulders)

Author 2: (wearing pirate suit that looks strangely like Captain Jack Sparrow's, Roy looks at her with big eyes kinda like 0.0) Hahar! Bring it on! (Waves pirate sword around)

Author 3: Are you two sure you really want to do this?

Author 1: Yes, now quit being such a baby! On your mark, get set, go! (swings huge sword at Author 2)

Scar: Um, why did she say I was hers? (everybody is watching the fight)

Ed: Who cares, just watch. (pulls a tub of popcorn out of nowhere and starts to eat it in large handfuls)

Roy: (practically wetting himself with excitement) GO PIRATE AUTHOR LADY PERSON!!!!

Author 2: (blocks sword and jumps to the side) Ahahahaha! (darts in and stabs with sword)

Author 1: (sweeps huge sword across and bats away the attack and grins)

Author 2: (pouts) No fair, you have a bigger sword! (attacks again)

Author 1: Whatever, you picked your sword, don't complain to me. (again, defeats the attack) Come on, I know you can do better than that, Rosie the Valiant.

Author 3: (covers eyes) Oh, I can't watch!

Author 2: Be prepared, Chelsey of the Fray!!! (turns around and runs up the wall behind her, kung fu style, jumps off the wall and jumps behind Author 1, swings sword.) MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Roy: (arms in the air) YAY! GO GO GO G-oommff (silenced as Scar stuffs a cloth in Roy's mouth)

Author 1: CHEATER!!! (spins around and barely blocks attack)

Author 2: (dives into the bin that holds all those giant inflatable balls) That's not cheating. It's called SKILL! (laughs madly and flings balls at Author 1, Author 1 deflects balls with her sword like a baseball bat. Employee 5 and officers 1 and 2 come running)

Employee 5: Excuse me! I'm going to have to ask you two to stop!

Officer 1: Stop or we will have to use force!

Officer 2: (walks over to Roy and holds out handcuffs) Sir, you're going to have to come with me.

Roy: (looks surprised) W-what did I do?

Officer 2: Some old woman is pressing charges for sexual harassment, assault, and theft.

Roy: But, I'm part of the military, you can't do this to me!

Officer 2: (moves to clamp handcuffs on Roy) Sir, that doesn't matter, you broke the law, you pay the cons-

Author 2: HOW DARE YOU ARREST ROY!!!! (beans Officer 2 in the back of the head with a giant ball, officer 2 falls to the ground, unconscious) WAHAHAHAHA!!!! Nobody messes with my Roy!!!

Roy: Scar... we've been claimed... (looks scared)

Scar: (shakes head) At least it's not a horde of fan girls like Ed gets...

Winry: (turns to Ed) WHAT FAN GIRLS?!?!

Ed: (sweatdrops) Eh heh heh, about that...

Officer 1: Ma'am! I said stop! (pulls out pistol) Put your hands up!

Author 3: I knew this would happen! But no one listens!!

Author 2: (pats Author 3 on the head) That is why you are called Sir Justin, the-not-quite-so Valiant as Rosie.

Author 3: (waves spoon at Author 2 threateningly) Call me not quite so valiant again, and I will stab you with the Legendary Spoon of Dur!!!

Author 2: (waves black and yellow tennis racket at Author 3) And I shall retaliate with the Oblivion Keyblade!!! Sorry if you readers don't really get the spoon and the tennis racket thing. Its kind of an inside joke... hard to explain...

Officer 1: (fires warning shot above Author 2's head) I SAID HANDS UP!!!

Author 1: Hey! We're the Authors, you can't arrest us!

Officer 1: (sighs) Well... I'm just doing my job...

Author 1: I'll be right back guys. (disappears and reappears in the real world at the computer, types and grins evilly)

Officers 1 and 2: (suddenly disappear)

Author 1: (reappears) Okay, problem solved, BACK TO THE FIC!!!

Ed: Umm... is that legal?

Author 1: I SAID BACK TO THE FIC!!!!! (passes hand in front of Ed's face) You didn't see anything, they were never here.

Ed: (in monotone) I didn't see anything, they were never here.

Author 2: I told you those Jedi Mind Tricks would come in handy someday.

Al: Hey Scar, where'd you get the PS2 and DDR pads?

Scar: (looks around, avoiding the question) Where's Greed?

Guard: (looks at Greed) What in hell made you steal ALL the cocoa puffs? And furthermore, how'd you fit them all in a vest? How does that work?

Officer 3: (appears next to Guard with gun in hand, looks at Greed and puts the gun away in disappointment) What's the problem?

Guard: He's shoplifting... but lucky for us, he's stuck in the door.

Greed: (still sobbing) COCOA PUFFS!!!!!!!

Officer 3: (rubs hands together) Lets get him out of there and take him downtown.

Greed: (light bulb appears above head and he grins crazily) HAHAHAHA!!!! (skin turns black and the doorway bursts, Greed walks through casually, laughing madly)

Officer 3: (draws gun and shoots Greed, bullet bounces off) By the Beard of Zeus... (pulls out walkie talkie) We need backup. Call the military, get the tanks!

Voice on walkie talkie: Umm... tanks haven't been invented yet sir.

Officer 3: (smacks himself in the forehead) Well... get Armstrong down here then, he's the next best thing.

Voice: Umm... are you sure you want to do that? (sounds of shirt ripping and pink sparkly things appearing is heard and then Armstrong saying "Feel these muscles, don't they just pulse with loyalty?") ...

Officer 3: ... (sighs) Yes I'm sure. Just tell him to get down here. (giant balls shoot out from nowhere and pepper the area)

Officer 3: HIT THE DECK! ENEMY FIRE!!! (Officer 3 and Guard drop to the floor and suddenly disappear)

Author 1: (reappears by Greed, Author 2 accidentally throws one more ball and hits Author 1)

Author 1: Hey! What was that for!?

Author 2: (grins) That was for the other day when you poked me and ran off.

Author 3: I think we've done enough meddling for now. Lets get back and work on what happens next, when they-

Author 2: (tackles Author 3 and covers his mouth) HEY THATS THE SCRIPT! You can't read the script. (shifty eyes) They're not supposed to know.

Author 1: (shakes head) Whatever, lets get back. (hugs Scar possessively and grins evilly) Hee hee, my Scar.

Scar: Okay...

Author 2: Before we go, I have a gift for you Roy. (gives Roy her pirate sword) Use it well. (salutes Roy) Until we meet again Colonel.

Roy: (salutes) Yes Captain!

Author 3: Are you sure it's wise to give him that? (mugs of Rum appear in Author 2 and Roy's hands, Author 3 is ignored)

Author 2: Take what you can!

Roy: Give nothing back! (they slam the mugs together, drink the rum, and slam the mugs on the shelf next to them)

Author 3: (shakes head and grabs Author 2 and drags her away) Come on, let's go before you both get drunk. (the Authors disappear)

Greed: (looks interested) Did somebody say drunk?

Scar: ...o.o

Winry: ...0.0

Al: ... :3 [or whatever face it is that he has, the one with the white eyes and his mouth is all a squiggly line...

Greed: (turns back to his normal self and drools over the Cocoa Puffs) O many boxes of Cocoa Puffs, how I cherish you so.

Ed: (munches the last of the popcorn) Winry, can I have another animal cracker?

Winry: No, you've caused too much trouble.

Ed: Fine then! (runs back into the store) I'll find my own animal crackers and I shall name them all Jeffery Junior! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Winry: Ed get back here this instant! (Ed disappears) Edward Elric!

Scar: I think he's ignoring you. (Winry glares at Scar but he doesn't look unafraid) The main author likes me. You can't hurt me anymore.

Greed: Think that'd work for me too?

Scar: No.

Greed: Damn!

Ed: Animal crackers! Animal crackers! (runs past the candy aisle before stopping and backing up) Whoa! (looks up as the candy aisle glows, all thoughts of animal crackers forgotten) Candy! (dives into the candy and starts shoving it all into his mouth)

Winry: Ed! Ed, where are you!? (everyone turns down the candy aisle to see it destroyed and mountains of wrappers lying on the floor as Ed nibbled on the corner of a chocolate bar) Finally! (runs up to Ed) Did you eat all this!?

Ed: (looks up, frothing at the mouth) Candy! Candy, candy, candy, candy, CANDY!! (reaches into his pocket and pulls out five gold pieces of paper) Look what I found!

Winry: (takes papers and holds them up, reading the writing on them) CONGRADULATIONS! You now hold in your hand one of the five golden tickets released by Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory! On such and such a time the authors see fit a tour of the Chocolate Factory will commence and all holders of a golden ticket will be welcome. (stops reading) Well Ed, thank you for finding tomorrow's babysitter.

Al: What do you mean?

Winry: There are five tickets. There are five of you, not including me. (everyone looks blank and Winry sighs) One for Scar. (hands one to Scar) One for Greed. (hands one to Greed) One for Roy. (hands one to Roy and he hugs it) One for Al. (hands one to Al) And one for Ed. (Winry bent down to give Ed his ticket to find him in a sugar coma) Well that solves that.

Ed: (suddenly jumps to his feet and runs away, faster than the eye can see) Need more candy!

Al: Ed, wait!

Winry: Okay. Scar, you take the hardware section. Roy, you take produce. Greed, you take, dare I say it, the refrigerated section. (Greed looks excited) Al, you take clothing. I'll take the toy department. Okay, go! (everyone scatters)

Scar: Ed? Ed, are you here? (Ed suddenly appears at Scar's side with a thin wooden dowel in his hand) There you are.

Ed: (pokes Scar in the stomach) En guard!

Scar: Knock it off. (takes dowel out of Ed's hand and raps Ed over the head with it)

Ed: (pulls another dowel out of nowhere) Come on fat man! (Author 1 throwing a fit)

Scar: (rolls his eyes as he raises his dowel) Don't blame me if you go home to Winry crying. (Ed jumps forward and Scar expertly knocks Ed's dowel aside before rapping him on the head again. They duel for a minute before Scar disarms Ed and grabs the dowel out of midair before pointing them both at Ed)

Ed: Catch me if you can! (disappears, a smoke outline remaining)

Roy: (walking through the produce department) Oooo… look at all the fruit and veggies. (stabs one with his new sword and waves it around, causing to fly off and hit the wall above the old lady's head whose scooter he stole earlier in the story) Sorry! (ducks behind a shelf)

Old Lady: Who did that!? That was you, wasn't it Billy Bailey! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep! Your mother will cry when she sees what I've done to you! (drives off on her new scooter) I'll find you! I have ears like a cat and eyes like a rodent!

Roy: (shudders as the old lady drives off) Nightmares… (Ed suddenly appears and throws a watermelon at Roy)

Ed: Comin' at ya Colonel! (Roy looks up and screams like a little girl when he sees the watermelon)

Roy: (heroically stands up and waved sword around until the watermelon is cut up into perfectly shaped pieces, a group of nearby girls swooning. Roy speaks in a deep, heroic voice) Your villainy shall not escape notice Edward Elric! (ducks as Ed throws a tomato at him) You shall be punished by the full extent of the law!

Ed: Whatever Colonel loser! (gasps and ducks as Roy hurls pineapples at him. Their fight continued, involving several innocent ears of corn, hard grapes, caramel apples, and a price tag gun)

Al: (hiding inside a clothes rack, waiting for an unsuspecting victim. A lady reaches in to grab a shirt and Al springs out) Pick me! Pick me! (the lady runs away screaming as Al laughs uncontrollably) I've always wanted to do that! Ha, ha!

Winry: (walking around the toy department) Oh! (walks over to a shelf and picks up a colorful toy) This looks interesting.

Evil Toy's Twin: The dog says… **BARK!**

Winry: Ed would love this! (pockets it) I don't think they'll notice.

Ed: (suddenly runs up) NNNOOO! NOT THE EVIL TOY OF DOOM!

Winry: You mean this?

Ed: It must be destroyed! (grabs a swimming noodle) Step away!

Winry: No! (grabs her own swimming noodle. They circle around each other before Ed lunges forward and swings his noodle at Winry's head, Mortal Kombat playing in the background)

Al: Winry! (everyone except Greed runs up and watches as Ed and Winry fight to the death. Ed dodges as Winry swings before picking up a loaded paintball gun)

Ed: DIE!! (starts shooting at Winry, covering her with paint. The gun starts to click as he runs out of ammo and he lowers it to see Winry standing there, looking like she had been tie-dyed with paint) CRAP!! (grabs a can of silly string in each hand before shooting it at Winry, causing her to scream as she tries to pick it out of her hair. He then goes to run when Greed walks up, weaving from side to side, a bottle of Captain Morgan's rum in his hand)

Greed: (waves) Hey, everybody! How ya doin'!? (takes a big drink)

Al: Greed, are you drunk?

Greed: (laughs before taking another drink) No. What makes you think that? (stumbles before going to take another drink, but finds the bottle empty. He shakes it before throwing it aside, the bottle shattering)

Winry: Greed, what possessed you to drink a whole bottle of Captain Morgan!?

Greed: (looks up at Winry before pointing and laughing) Your hair is… yellow! Ha, ha, ha, ha! (looks at Ed) So is yours! (falls to the floor laughing)

Scar: I've never seen Greed this drunk before. Have you? (turns to Al who shakes his head)

Greed: (looks up to see Roy, imagining he's Captain Morgan, and laughs even harder) Somebody get me a bottle of bourbon! (keeps laughing as he stands up and walks over to one of the stair ladders, like one of the many you can find at Home Depot, and steps on it) Look, I'm using the stairs without supervision! (laughs even harder and falls off, causing it to roll away)

Winry: (pulls Greed to his feet) You need to sleep this off. Ed, you can carry this home. (tosses a wooden stool to Ed) It's the new time out chair.

Ed: New... time out chair... How dare you?!

Winry: Very easily. NOW GO SLAVE!!!!

Ed: (submissively) Yes Ma'am! (scurries out the door)

Winry: (sighs) Alright guys, lets go home before anything else happens. Al, help me. (Al runs over and helps her carry Greed out of the store as everyone else follows them)

Greed: (laughing really hard now) We all love Captain Morgan!


	3. Bonus Chapter Outside the Story

Bonus Chapter: What Happens Outside of the Story?

Author 1: (typing on the computer)

Author 2: (sitting on a couch watching TV)

Author 3: (also sitting on the couch)

Author 1: Hey guys, should Roy get his sword back?

Author 2: After our big fight I'm going to bestow upon him my sword.

Author 3: I love that word. Bestow...

Author 1: He's just going to end up stabbing himself again... And I thought you said Ed was your favorite character.

Author 2: So? The worst thing that will happen is it'll make him cry. And I changed my favorite to Roy. (grins) I luvs him

Author 3: Bestow... bestow...

Author 1: Alright then. (presses back space a couple times and resumes typing) Author... You know what? For this chapter... I'm just going to use our real names because... this is getting a little confusing and I'm tired of tired of writing it out each time... Author 1 is Chelsey, Author 2 is Rosie, Author 3 is Justin and Erika + Kammi are just random persons we know. Get it? Got it? Good.

Justin: Masks is a cool word as well.

Rosie: sks sks sks

Justin:

Rosie: Bungalow is good too.

Chelsey: You guys are weird.

Erika: (runs through the room) The incognito person stabbed the guy who had all the masks with a spork in a bungalow, which was in a galaxy far far away.

Rosie: (to Erika) You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile. (smiles)

Erika: (leaves room)

Chelsey: Why was Erika here?

Rosie: I dunno.

Justin: She comes and goes.

Rosie: (presses button on remote) Is Cowboy Bebop like a drama?

Justin: Or just action packed anime?

Chelsey: It's both. It's like a soap opera. With guns... In the future.

Rosie: Thought so...

Justin: I never really liked that show. Well... I sorta like it... it's just really weird.

Rosie: Were you really going to stab me with the spoon of Dur?

Chelsey: When did he do that?

Rosie: Back during our fight when we got busted by the cops.

Chelsey: (scrolls through story) Oh, that part.

Justin: I would never stab you Rosie...

Chelsey: (grins) Of course you wouldn't Justin.

Justin: (points angrily at Chelsey) Assumer! You are assuming the assumption that- (continues ranting about assuming)

Rosie: (sighs and shakes head) Everyday...

Justin: (changes channel) Hey... Chobits is on...

Chelsey: How the hell are we getting Chobits in America?

Rosie: Hey, it's our fic, we can do whatever we want.

Chelsey: Oh yeah... (silence. The only sound is Chelsey typing and the television)

Chelsey: Am I going to be the only one working on this?

Rosie: I helped already.

Chelsey: Well do more. I've been doing most of this fic, and Justin hasn't done anything at all except eat cheetos and smoke pot.

Rosie and Justin: (stares at Chelsey) ...

Chelsey: Sorry. I meant he hasn't done anything except be in the fic and give us ideas.

Rosie: Well that's his job really... And anyways, I wasn't finished. I'm working on Chapter 4 right now.

Chelsey: ... how?

Rosie: (taps head) In my head.

Chelsey: Oh by the way, (gets up and stands behind Justin) I haven't given you your daily hug. (hugs Justin)

Justin: Hey! (pushes Chelsey off)

Chelsey: (laughs and walks back to the computer)

Justin: (crosses arms angrily and quotes the Random Heart of YouTube) I've been given orders to icky you.

Chelsey: (claps hands to her ears) LA LA LA LA LA

Rosie: (chimes in) If you'll come back with me.

Rosie and Justin: (start laughing)

Chelsey: (after a few moments of silence, Chelsey uncovers her ears and resumes typing)

Justin: (another quote from the Random Heart) The Roxas I know is long.

Chelsey: (twitches slightly) AH!!! That's not nice! I was just looking up pictures of Roxas... (looks at computer and grimaces) Oh... you've ruined Roxas for me...

Rosie: (sarcastically) Good clean family fun there.

Chelsey: You guys suck.

Justin: (pouts) Oh... Chobits is over...

Rosie: (sighs) I'm bored... (flicks through channels) OMG!!!!

Chelsey: What!? Did you "accidentally" find the porn channel again?

Rosie: That WAS an accident!!! But no, Dragon Ball Z is on.

Chelsey: Oh, I see.

Rosie: (tosses remote to Justin) Never mind... watch whatever you want. It's not the Cell saga as I was hoping...

Chelsey: I thought you liked DBZ?

Rosie: It's not even that. It's GT.

Chelsey: Oh that's a shame...

Justin: (flicks through channels then suddenly stops as the remote ran out of batteries, eyes widen to huge proportions) Uh-oh...

Rosie: (jumps out of chair pointing at TV) JUSTIN'S WATCHING PORN!!!!!!

Justin: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! THE REMOTES NOT WORKING!!! (frantically presses buttons) NUUUU!!!

Rosie: Justin you dirty boy, I'm going to tell your mother!

Justin: (drops remote) No! Not my mother!!!

Chelsey: (grabs a different remote from desk and turns off TV) There, I saved you all.

Justin: (wipes away sweatdrop) Whew, that was close.

Rosie: But I'm still telling your mother.

Justin: (gasps) You wouldn't!

Rosie: (grabs phone and dials number) Hello? Mrs. Justin's Mom[not using his real last name because... for anonymous reasons I guess...

Chelsey: (gasps) Oh! She went for it!

Justin: (tries to grab the phone) No! Please don't!

Rosie: (puts phone down) I'm just messing with you. I didn't even dial a real number.

Justin: (sighs) That's not nice. I almost had a heart attack.

Chelsey: You'll get over it.

Justin: I've been given orders to-

Chelsey: (throws the 6th Harry Potter book at Justin's head) Take that!

Rosie: (looks at clock and gasps, runs out of room) MAIL'S HERE!!! (stops and grabs a metal baseball bat in the corner)

Justin: What's the bat for?

Chelsey: HAHA!!! The UPS man must be here!

Rosie: (runs back in carrying a box) It's here!!!

Chelsey: Where is the UPS man?

Rosie: Whoops! I forgot!

Chelsey: FORGOT! (grabs giant knife and bubble wrap cape before dashing outside) Wait! (dashes back in and grabs Oblivion Keyblade [really a tennis racket and dashes back outside)

Rosie: (rips open box) YAY!!! (pulls out Roy plushie and hugs it)

Justin: THAT'S what you ordered?

Rosie: Yeah! And look, you can dress him up like a pirate! (makes Roy a pirate)

Chelsey: (comes back in looking satisfied) The UPS man is no more! (maniacal laughter as she holds up the UPS man's hat, blood dripping off of it) You had it coming the moment you refused to work on Saturdays! Laziness that's what it is! Laziness I say! Laziness! (Rosie and Justin just look at each other)

Kammi: (appears out of nowhere dressed in an elf's costume) Merry Christmas! (everyone looks at her strangely)

Chelsey: What are you doing dressed like an elf? It's summer.

Kammi: I have come to bring Christmas spirit to everyone! (hands a red card to Chelsey)

Chelsey: What is this? (opens card as it begins to play Jingle Bells, Chelsey looking at it annoyed) This sounds like the music they sang when they raided villages and threw babies into the fire.

Justin: They sang Jingle Bells?

Chelsey: (glares at Justin) They sang something.

Justin: Okay… (Jingle Bells can be heard from outside, a group of carolers gathered on the front lawn)

Chelsey: (runs over and grabs a plate of extremely hard and stale rice krispie treats before running outside. Her shouting can be hear from within as well as the screams of many a caroler as she throws the rice krispie treats at them) Shut up! Some people are trying to type here! Get lost you mangy lot of trespassers! Can't you read the sign!? Authors and random friends only! All others will have stale rice krispie treats thrown at them!


	4. Chapter 3 Willy Wonka vs The Muffin Man

Chapter 3: Willy Wonka vs. the Muffin Man

Setting: Everyone makes the journey home safely. Roy once again dons his pirate suit and now uses the sword that Author 2 (a.k.a. Rosie) gave him, either wisely or foolishly, we will never know. Now the date has come for the five to make the journey into the Chocolate Factory. (play the scary music. I said play the scary music[bangs radio with stick Thank you.)

Scar: (all of them except for Winry are standing outside the gates of Wonka's Chocolate factory, a large group gathered around them) I had to come again why?

Al: Because we had the ticket and Winry didn't want to come.

Scar: Why couldn't you just give it to one of the Authors?

Ed: They frighten me, especially the first one. (shudders and Scar rolls his eyes)

Roy: I like the second one. She's really nice! (waves his new sword around. Suddenly the crowd cheers as Wonka comes out)

Wonka: Welcome to my Chocolate Factory! Today you shall see many wonders that must never be discuss with the rest of the mortal world!

Ed: (raises hand) Oh! Oh! What if we tell our best friend!?

Wonka: No one must know! (his right eye is twitching as Ed hides behind Al. Wonka pulls a tape recorder out of his pocket and speaks to it) Note to self: Take medication on time.

Greed: (blinking underneath his sunglasses as he shields his eyes with his hand, gritting his teeth at every loud noise) You wouldn't happen to have a large bottle of aspirin on you would you?

Scar: You still have a hang-over?

Greed: Don't talk so loud.

Wonka: You all know each other?

Al: Yeah, after my older brother Ed ate all the candy in the grocery store he found all five of your tickets.

Wonka: (pulls tape recorder out again) Another note to self: Tell packaging not to put all five tickets in the same box.

Scar: Can we start this soon? I would like to end the pain as quickly as possible.

Wonka: Come! (gestures and the gates open to admit them) Onward into adventure we go! (Greed winces at the shouting as he holds his head in his hands. When they get inside Wonka leads them over to a large poster tied to the wall. On the poster is a contract that gradually gets smaller as it moved down) Okay, all I need you to do is sign the contract and we can move forward.

Ed: (runs forward and grabs a pen) Me first! Me first! Ummm… (writes really slowly) E-D-W-A-R-D… (pauses for a second as he thinks) E-L-R-I-C… (stands up proudly) Done! (his name takes up half the page and looks like a kindergartener wrote them)

Roy: Me next! Me next! (runs forward and rips the pen out of Ed's hand before pushing him away) Roy… Mustang… Done! (stands up as he finishes with a flourish to show a fancy signature with a horse drawn next to it)

Al: Oh, can I be next? (Wonka nods as Al hurries up to the contract and Roy hands him the pen) Alphonse Elric… Done! (stands up to show a somewhat messily scrawled signature)

Scar: (sounds sarcastic) Oh joy. I'm next. (slowly walks up and sighs his name before walking back)

Wonka: Is that all? (looks at Scar's signature)

Scar: Yeah.

Wonka: Okay… and you're the last! (points his cane at Greed who slowly walks up and grabs the pen)

Greed: This paper should be a little less bright… (winces at the brightness of it and signs the paper in spiky letters)

Al: Maybe you shouldn't have drunk a whole bottle of Captain Morgan and Bacardi when you were supposed to be keeping an eye out for Ed.

Greed: That bottle of Jack I drank was pretty good too.

Al: You had a bottle of whisky too!?

Greed: Don't yell.

Wonka: (claps hands) Okay, on to the next event! (walks off and everyone follows him. He stops when they come to a large door that is heavily locked) Now, what you are about to see is one of my largest secrets that must not be mentioned outside of this factory. (pulls a large set of keys out of his pocket and sorts through them until he finds a small golden one and then inserts it into a teeny tiny key hole right in the middle of the door. Then he turns it and all the locks click open as the door unlocks and opens, golden light pouring through the opening)

Ed: (eyes open wide) Whoa! (everyone shields their eyes except Wonka and Ed who watch as the door opens to reveal a large room filled with what would appear to be a large colorful jungle)

Wonka: This is the chocolate room! (gestures over to the large chocolate waterfall and Greed's eyes nearly pop out of his head) Everything in here is eatable!

Al: Eatable?

Wonka: Edible. Go! (everyone runs forward and starts eating except Al who just stands there) Why aren't you eating?

Al: Sorry… I can't eat. It's part of my… um… condition.

Wonka: Nonsense! Go eat! (pushes Al down the stairs and he wanders over to Greed who is eating what appears to be large Cocoa Puffs as he grabs them off a large tree)

Greed: (looks extremely excited) Look! They have Cocoa Puffs the size of my head growing on trees! On trees! Come here! (grabs Al and rips off his helmet before stuffing as many Cocoa Puffs in Al as he can. When Al is full he puts the helmet back on, it tilting to the side a bit as a Cocoa Puff is not completely tucked into his armor) Don't tell anybody. Shh. (puts a finger on his lips before eating as many of the Cocoa Puffs as he can. Meanwhile Ed and Roy are fighting over a giant gummy bear)

Ed: (pulls really hard) It's mine!

Roy: (pulls really hard) No! It's mine!

Ed: Yes!

Roy: No!

Ed: Yes!

Roy: No!

Ed: (baring his teeth) Mine!

Roy: (pirate hat nearly falling off) No!

Scar: (watching off to the side as he eats a piece of licorice) Sadly, I find this entertaining in the absence of my DDR. How sad. (after several more minutes of arguing Roy finally wins and Ed sits on the ground and cries as Roy eats the ear off the gummy bear)

Ed: Jerry, no! I thought we were friends!

Roy: Not anymore! Hee, hee.

Wonka: Now that you have all been hopped up on sugary sweets we can continue the tour. Come aboard the Wonka Express! (a large ferry appears out of a tunnel as Oompa Loompas walk over to the chocolate river and pour sugar and milk into it.)

Al: Whoa! What are those!? (they all run up to the bank and watch as the Oompa Loompas carry out their work)

Wonka: Oompa Loompas!

Greed: (watching Oompa Loompas with an evil grin on his face) Just think of all the places I could rob with these guys…

Scar: Oh boy. Here we go. (gets onto the ferry as everyone follows. The ferry travels down another tunnel and during the ride [I will not give graphic details Ed screamed for his 'mommy' repeatedly, Roy tried to take control of the ship but the pilot beat him back irritably, and Greed fell asleep)

Al: (poking Greed) Greed, wake up. We're here.

Greed: (slowly wakes up) Where is here?

Wonka: (stands up excitedly as he walked ashore) We're in the basement of Wonka Factory! This is Room #0023581! Come in! (door hisses open and smoke billows out)

Roy: Room #0023581… sounds fun. (everyone follows Wonka into the room and he walks over to a large machine covered in a various colored sheet that looked as though it had been stitched together from old bed sheets)

Wonka: This is the machine that makes… (goes silent for the effect as he leans against the machine)

Al: Makes what?

Wonka: Everlasting Gobstoppers! Small, bite-sized candies that last forever!

Roy: Oh! Can I have one! (starts jumping up and down like a little kid in a, well, candy store)

Wonka: Yes! You all get one! (turns machine on it and it starts making weird noises and a conveyor belt starts spitting out Everlasting Gobstoppers) Here you are. (hands one out to everyone and they put them in their mouths)

Greed: (raises hand) Mine's gone.

Wonka: (turns to him) What!?

Greed: (repeats slowly) Mine's gone.

Ed: (sucking away) Mine isn't.

Greed: Shut up. (Ed looks away angrily)

Wonka: (looks suspicious) Well, here you go. That one must have been defective. (Greed takes it and puts it in his mouth, Wonka pulling out his tape recorder) Once again, note to self: Double check the formula for the Everlasting Gobstoppers.

Greed: (raises hand) Mine's gone.

Wonka: WHAT!?

Greed: (repeats slowly) Mine's gone.

Wonka: You get ONE more! And only ONE! (slams one onto Greed's palm before walking away. When he is turned around Greed takes out the two in his mouth and puts them into his pocket with his third) This way please! (they walk into a shiny room where about a dozen geese are scattered against the wall, producing golden eggs continually)

Al: Oooo… what are these?

Wonka: These are the geese that lay the golden eggs! (Roy runs up to touch one but Wonka slaps him away) No touching. (Roy nurses his red hand as he looks at Wonka with a sour look on his face) Now the really interesting thing about these… (a large explosion shakes the building as the Oompa Loompas working in the room stand at attention) Damn it all! It's the Muffin Man!

Scar: The Muffin Man?

Wonka: Yes, the Muffin Man.

Scar: The one on Drury Lane?

Wonka: Yes! (turns and yells to Oompa Loompa) Captain! (Oompa Loompa walks forward) Ready all weapons. I want the Bottlecap Cannons at full power!

Oompa Loompa: Yes sir! Move out men! (all the Oompa Loompas march out of the room)

Al: Why is the Muffin Man attacking you? Certainly he has no grounds for attack. (Greed slips a golden egg into his vest)

Wonka: (looks serious) We are mortal enemies. We will not stop until the other is destroyed!

Scar: Okay… (Greed slips another golden egg into his vest)

Wonka: Come. (leads them to the command room where the Oompa Loompas are dressed in green suits with several strange looking things attached to their utility belts) We will watch from here.

Oompa Loompa: (runs up) We are ready, sir.

Wonka: Attack at will! Take no prisoners! And if they beg, offer them a cup of tea!

Oompa Loompa: (salutes) Yes, sir! (runs off)

Outside…

Oompa Loompa General: (talking into walkie talkie) Do we have clearance to attack?

Oompa Loompa: (over walkie talkie) Yes, we just got clearance. Fire at will General.

Oompa Loompa General: (yells at troops) You heard him. Fire! (Oompa Loompas fire into a crowd of Gingerbread Men and Muffins. The enemy fires back with their Blueberry Bazookas and Muffin Machine Guns. Several men fall dead as they are struck by projectiles) Send out the ground troops! (the gate opens and a bunch of troops run out to meet the Gingerbread Men and Muffins in mortal combat. Oompa Loompas fight with Nerd Rope Numb-Chucks while the opposition fight back with Muffin Machetes and Croissant Cutlasses. Many men fall as the Oompa Loompas continue their barrage with the Bottlecap Cannons and the Muffin Man's men launch F-Bombs into the crowd)

Oompa Loompas in the field: Frosting Bombs! Noooooo! (many die as frosting coats the area, strengthening the Gingerbread Men and Muffins)

Oompa Loompa troop: (runs up to General and salutes) Sir! We need to launch the Fizzy Gas!

Oompa Loompa General: (looks at the battlefield) Launch the Fizzy Gas!

Oompa Loompa at Bottlecap Cannon: But, sir! If we launch the Fizzy Gas half the troops will die!

Oompa Loompa General: That's a risk I'm willing to take. (Fizzy Gas spreads out over the battle field, no Gingerbread Man, Muffin, or Oompa Loompa spared. The remaining troops put on gas masks and continue to fight, the Oompa Loompas breaking out Chocolate Acid and Golden Egg Grenades)

Inside…

Scar: This is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever seen in my life, other than Ed and Roy. (Ed and Roy glare at him) How long do these usually last?

Wonka: The last one took several days, almost half my Oompa Loompas killed. (turns to communicator) Tell the General to ready the Licorice Laser.

Al: How far away is the Muffin Man's store?

Scar: Didn't we see it on our way in here? It's next door right? (Wonka remains silent)

Back Outside…

Oompa Loompa: (over walkie talkie) General, ready the Licorice Laser.

Oompa Loompa General: Roger that! Ready the Licorice Laser!

Oompa Loompa troop: Readying the Licorice Laser! Ready to fire in five minutes!

Oompa Loompa General: (speaking into walkie talkie) What are our coordinates?

Oompa Loompa: (over walkie talkie) The Muffin Man's store on Drury Lane. (then adds in a whisper) Basically next door.

Wonka: (over walkie talkie) What are you whispering about!? We're in the middle of a war here! Tell the General what you were instructed to tell! (General rolls his eyes as Wonka continues to scream over the walkie talkie for five whole minutes)

Oompa Loompa troop: Licorice Laser ready to fire, General!

Oompa Loompa General: Fire! (the laser fires at the Muffin Man's bakery but is nullified by a shield) Great Everlasting Gobstoppers! They've put up a shield! Alert Mr. Wonka of the new threat!

Back at Winry's house…

Winry: (lazily flipping through the channels when a news alert catches her eye) What the…

Anchorman: (Anchorman bears a resemblance to Ron Burgundy) Today on Drury Lane the two major factories, Wonka Chocolate Factory and the Muffin Man's Bakery, are in the middle of a large battle for control of the street. The winners of the Golden Ticket contest have yet to be released from Wonka's Chocolate Factory but police have been dispatched to the sight to help restore order.

Winry: OH MY GOD!! ED! AL! ROY! SCAR! And dare I say it, GREED! I'M COMING! (jumps off couch and runs out the door)

Aunt Pinako: (walks in and picks up the remote before turning off the TV) They always forget to turn off the TV. (shakes her head and walks back into the kitchen)

Back Outside Wonka Factory…

Oompa Loompa General: (speaking into walkie talkie) What is that cloud of dust that's heading straight for us?

Oompa Loompa: (over walkie talkie) I don't know, sir. The people are checking on it as we speak.

Oompa Loompa troop: Oh my god! Help us! (the sea of fighting peoples are thrown aside as Winry comes charging through wielding her trusty wrench)

Winry: Edward! Alphonse! Roy! Scar! Where are you!?

Oompa Loompa General: Attack her! (all the troops gang up on her but are no match for her anger)

Random Peoples Out On The Field: My leg! My leg! I can't feel my leg!

Inside…

Ed: (banging on the screen) Winry! Winry! We're here! Help us! We're being held hostage!

Greed: No we're not.

Ed: Winry! Winry! I'm here! Help me! I'm being held hostage! (Greed rolls his eyes. Now we are going to fast forward through the next few minutes of script because we (that is the Authors) would like to keep this piece PG-13. Back in the factory…)

Winry: (surrounded by an army of unconscious Oompa Loompas and Wonka is hiding underneath a desk) That'll show em!

Wonka: Don't hurt me! (cowers as Ed runs up to Winry and hugs her)

Ed: Winry! You came to save me! I LOVE YOU!

Winry: Ed… get off me… (tries to pry Ed off) Ed…

Roy: Ed and Winry sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage! (stops when Winry glares at him)

Elsewhere in the Factory...

Envy: (walking in the big 'eatable' room) Look at all this stuff! The Muffin Man will be pleased. (grabs a giant bag out of nowhere and begins to take one of everything)

Oompa Loompa: Excuse me Ma'am- (does a double take) uh... Sir, you are not one of the Golden Ticket Holders. You must leave the premises immediately at this very present moment.

Envy: Golden Ticket? I need no Golden Ticket! I do what I want! (looks at Cocoa Puff tree) Hrmmm... (drops the bag and wraps his arms around the tree)

Oompa Loompa: Sir? What are you doing?

Envy: (uproots Cocoa Puff tree) I will have use for this.

Oompa Looma: (gasps) How dare you hurt the Cocoa Puff Tree!?!?

Greed: (appears out of nowhere) Who said Cocoa Puffs? (eyes widen at the sight of Envy and the Cocoa Puff tree) How dare you defile the sacredness of the Cocoa Puff by touching it!

Envy: I'll be taking this tree and there's nothing you can do about it.

Greed: (pulls Golden Eggs along with several other oddities out of his vest) I'll trade you all of this for the tree.

Oompa Loompa: DEFILATION OF THE CONTRACT!!! WONKA MUST KNOW!!! (runs out of room)

Greed: Whatever... I signed under a false name, it doesn't matter.

Envy: (digging through all of the stuff Greed pullled out of his vest) No Everlasting Gobstoppers?

Greed: Oh! (pulls one out of his pocket) Here you go.

Envy: (moves to grab it, but Greed pulls it away) Hey what gives?

Greed: Give me the tree first.

Envy: Get it yourself, its right behind you anyway.

Greed: (frowns) Fine, I will. Catch! (throws Gobstopper across the room and turns around to get the tree)

Envy: (dives to catch the Gobstopper when Wonka bursts through the door followed by the Oopa Loompa who snitched, three other Oompa Loompas armed with Jelly-Bean Pistols, all the Golden Ticket holders, and Winry)

Wonka: What is the meaning of this?

Greed: I'm just making a business transaction.

Wonka: You defiled the contract! (waves rolled up piece of paper in Greed's direction)

Greed: Whatever, I didn't sign it. Do you see the name "Greed" anywhere on there?

Wonka: (whips out contract and studies it for a moment) Oh... my... god...

Scar: (reads over Wonka's shoulder) You put your name as "Willy Wonka"? Didn't you think that someone would easily... see... through... (looks at Wonka) Nevermind.

Wonka: ...

Greed: The contract is not legal to me so I can do whatever I please with the information and merchandise I stole... er... was given to me.

Envy: (stands, holding gobstopper up triumphantly) HAHAHAHA!!!!

Ed: Envy? What are you doing here? Did you win a Golden Ticket too? (shows off Golden Ticket)

Greed: He's here getting his ass kicked for touching the Sacred Cocoa Puff!! (leaps at Envy)

Envy: (waits for Greed to come within hitting distance, then sticks his foot out and kicks Greed in... well it hurt really bad so to speak) I'm outtie. See you losers later. (grabs bag full of Wonka's candy and jumps out a random window)

Roy: (waves happily) Bye-bye!!! Come back again soon!

Ed: (smacks Roy in the back of the head) Don't tell him that, he might actually do it.

Greed: (doubling over and groaning) That was a cheap shot...

Roy: (points and laughs) HAHA!!! Greed got kicked in the- (immediately silenced as Ed kicks Roy in the same spot, Roy falls to the ground, crying)

Ed: (laughing) Wow, that IS fun.

Greed: (recovers) ENVY, YOU SHALL DIE FOR THIS OFFENSE OF THE COCOA PUFF!!! (jumps out window after him)

Wonka: (to Oompa Loompa wielding Jelly Bean Pistols) After them both! They have valuable merchandise with them!! (Oompa Loompas exit through window)

Roy: (still sobbing) Ed kicked me!

Scar: Get over it.

Roy: (sniffs and stands up, mutters to himself) Don't worry Roy. You'll get your vengeance. (laughs and pets his sword)

Scar: Why are you talking in third person?

Ed: I don't get it, so Greed's really Willy Wonka?

Scar: (sarcasticly) Yes Ed, Greed is actually Willy Wonka. And you know what? Willy Wonka is Envy, and Envy is Greed.

Ed: I never would have guessed... (looks at Wonka) Wow Greed, you really let yourself go. I mean look at you! You must be eating like... 50 boxes of Cocoa Puffs a day! You even have a beer gut going there (pokes Wonka in the stomach), either that or you're pregnant... ( continues calling Wonka fat in other various ways)

Wonka: ... Ummmm (pulls out tape recorder) Once again, note to self, do not allow psychotic or retarded people in factory and double... no... triple check contract after signing... and remind Jeff to pick up that Atkins book...

Ed: (continueing) Your cholesterol is probably through the roof! Its a wonder you can even walk! But that Willy Wonka, He's a fox! I don't know how he does it. It must be the girlish figure and the girl's clothes he wears thats so appealing. I mean that tight shirt shows off his muscles so perfectly and-

Scar: (everyone is staring at Ed) ...uh... Ed, I was only joking... that seriously is Envy you're talking about.

Ed: (sweatdrops) ... what?

Roy: (giggles) Ed and Envy sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes- (Ed leaps to attack Roy, Roy screams like a girl)

Winry: (hits Ed in the head with her wrench) You sick freak, Ed!

Ed: Winry, what was that for? I was only joking!

Winry: You didn't have to say it so well...

Ed: I was only trying to make "the so called Greed" jealous (glares at Scar)

Scar: (turns to Wonka) So... you and The Muffin Man are mortal enemies?

Wonka: Yes. That is correct.

Scar: And you'd do anything to get rid of him?

Wonka: Yes.

Scar: Anything?

Wonka: Yes...

Scar: (in Michael Jackson tone) Anything?

Wonka: (backing away slowly) uh... Yes?

Scar: (holds out hand) Give me fifty bucks and I'll kill him.

Ed: What do you need fifty dollars for?

Scar: None of your business.

Roy: Is it mine?

Scar: No.

Winry: (waves wrench threateningly in Scar's direction) Tell us.

Scar: You forget. I have the favor of Author 1, you cannot harm me. But I shall tell you anyway. (pauses for dramatic effect)

Ed: (everyone waits intently, expecting something of great importance) Well? Spit it out!

Scar: There's a new DDR game coming out. I want it.

Roy: That was it? You'll kill the Muffin Man just for a DDR game?

Scar: Yes I would.

Roy: (thinks for a moment) I'll kill him too! (looks at Wonka) Will you give me a pirate ship if I kill him?

Scar: Too bad! I called it first!

Roy: I didn't hear you call it.

Scar: I will now take this time to to call killing the Muffin Man (takes a moment to take in a deep breath) ... (shouts in an extremely loud voice) I CALL DIBS ON KILLING THE MUFFIN MAAAAAAAAAN!!!

Roy: Not if I kill him first! (jumps out window)

Scar: COME BACK HERE!!! (follows Roy)

Al: So who do you think will get there first?

Ed: I bet you 50 dollars that Roy gets there first, and another fifty that Scar is the one to kill him.

Winry: I bet you all 500 that Greed will be the one to get there first AND kill him.

Al: Greed?

(a group of Oompa Loompas enter)

Lead Oompa Loompa: You're all wrong. We counter your 500 with Scar being the one to get there first and kill him.

Ed: Hrmmm... I don't know if I can meet those odds... (pulls out some money and counts on his fingers) 3...6...2... ummm... 8... WHEE!!! I have enough! You're on!

Wonka: You people are insane. (pulls out tape recorder) note to self, remember not to feed my cat Bootsy, for she has already eaten and might throw up.

On the Way to the Muffin Man's Bakery

Envy: (Envy and Greed are fighting each other... to the death!) HA! Rock beats scissors!

Greed: Damn! How about best 2 out of 3?

Envy: Fine... do you really want to avenge your Cocoa Puffs that badly?

Greed: The word sounds vile coming from your mouth! Ready? 1 2 3!

(they show each other what they picked)

Envy: HA! Rock beats scissors!

Greed: Damn! 3 out of 5?

Envy: Whatever, you know I'm going to win.

Greed: 1 2 3! HAHA! I win!

Envy:What the hell is that?

Greed:Its a bomb!

Envy: How is that a bomb?

Greed: My thumb's the fuse, see?

Envy: Thats not a real move, thats cheating!

Roy: (runs by waving his pirate sword around) I'LL BEAT YOU THERE SCAR!! I WILL WIN THE PRIZE OF WHATEVER I WANT FOR KILLING THE MUFFIN MAN!!!

Greed: Whatever I want... (grins and punches Envy in the face, Envy falls to the ground, clutching his nose) Well, thats all the time for fighting... oh... my mistake, beating you thoroughly, that I have for today. (sticks his foot out and trips Roy, then runs off in the direction of the Muffin Man's Bakery.

Scar: (runs up and looks around to see Envy and Roy lying on the ground.) What happened here?

Roy: Greed... He... he... HE TRIPPED ME AND I SKINNED MY KNEE!!! (bursts into tears)

Envy: (sits up and rubs his nose) Hey Scar, whats your opinion on using a bomb in Rock Paper Scissors?

Hours later, back in the factory...

Winry: Okay, pay up!

Roy: (pouts) But I wanted a pirate ship...

Scar: Maybe I can mooch off Winry...

Lead Oompa Loompa: (sighs) Come on guys, we lost. (all 3 Oompa Loompas hand over 500 each)

Ed: Oh come on Winry, can't you let up on me?

Winry: Its your fault for gambling, now hand it over. (Ed gives her a piece of paper) Ed... this is just a peice of paper with 500 and a dollar sign written on it.

Ed: ... no its not.

Wonka: Okay Greed, what do you want as a reward?

Greed: (grins evilly) I want all of your Cocoa Puff trees.

Wonka: All?!

Greed: You're right, thats unfair. All but one.

Wonka: B-but my Cocoa Puff sales will be almost null!

Greed: Too bad, you said you'd do anything for the death of the Muffin Man! Now hand them over!

Wonka: (sighs) Fine, take your pick of trees.

Greed: (darts off through the factory) WHEEE!!!!

Scar: Hey Winry, guess what?

Winry: What?

Scar: Well... my birthday is coming up soon so...

Winry: I'm not getting you that game for your birthday. And I know for a fact your birthday was about a month ago.

Scar: Damn!


	5. Chapter 4 Mario World Land

Chapter 4: Mario World Land

Setting: In the short time between the return home and right now, Ed has accidentally destroyed a large number of coffee mugs.

Winry: ED!!! HOW ARE WE GOING TO DRINK OUR COFFEE NOW!?!

Ed: (shrugs) I don't know, put it in a cup. Geez, I already said I was sorry...

Winry: SORRY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH! SORRY WON'T PUT THE CAFFIENE IN MY SYSTEM!!!

Ed: Just drink soda.

Greed: Can I kill him now?

Winry: (sighs and rubs temples) Whatever, do what you want. (walks away)

Greed: (grins evilly) Come here Ed...

Ed: (backs away) Uh... WINRY!!!!

Winry: (puts headphones on and presses play on CD player, turns it up all the way)

Ed: AL!!! HELP ME!!! (dodges as Greed jumps at him)

Roy: (bursts into room waving sword around) What ho! A foe? I will assist you Fullmetal, with my new sword!!! (waves sword at Greed threateningly)

Ed and Greed: (stop what they're doing and stare at Roy, Greed has his fist raised to punch Ed)

Roy: What? Do I have something in my teeth? (gets a mirror out of pocket and examines his reflection)

Greed: (punches Ed)

Pinako: WINRY!!! You're going to have to go to Bed Bath & Beyond to replace the coffee mugs!

Winry: (takes off headphones) Why there?

Ed: (shoves Greed off of him and stands up, brushing himself off)

Pinako: Because, that's where they have the cool coffee mugs. (front door opens and Al walks in, looking a little sheepish)

Ed: Where were you Al? You've been gone for hours.

Al: (muffled meowing comes from inside Al) Oh... uh... I haven't been doing anything at all Brother...

Ed: (sighs and pries open Al's chest plate to reveal a cat with a litter of kittens)

Al: Can we keep them Brother?

Ed: Al, no matter how many times you ask, I'm still gonna say no.

Al: (pouts) But they're so cute and all alone!

Ed: AL! For the last time, no! Now go put them back! (replaces chest plate)

Al: (sulks) Fine... (goes outside and climbs up the side of the house into the spare room) Don't worry kitties, you'll be safe here! (places cats in a box and puts them in a corner of the room with a bowl of food and water, then jumps out the window again)

Ed: (taps foot) We can't leave until Al comes back...

Roy: Hey, where's Scar? We can't leave him here either.

Scar: (playing DDR upstairs)

DDR Game: (Butterfly [the fast one not the slow one because the fast one is cooler. You know that one song that goes aiyee yaii yai I'm your little butterfly... is playing)

Voice: 200 COMBO!!!! (cheering in background)

DDR Game: (song ends)

Scar: AAA star... Hmph. [0.0 best score in the game there This is getting too easy…

Ed: (points up) Hear the thumping? That's Scar. We'll just have to pry him away from his little dancing game.

Al: (walks in) Ooh, I love DDR!

Scar: (comes downstairs covered in sweat) Where're we going?

Winry: (comes in holding purse) We're going to Bed Bath & Beyond. Lets make this fast, I want my coffee and I want it NOW!

Greed: (everyone is walking up and down the aisles of the store, searching franticly for coffee mugs) I'm telling you Winry, they don't carry coffee mugs.

Roy: Nonsense. They're in the Beyond section. I've been telling you since we entered the store, but NO-OOO.

Scar: You idiot, there is no Beyond section.

Winry: (sipping a styrofoam cup of coffee) Oh... coffee... I love coffee...

Greed: (pulls a cereal bar out of his vest) Oh... cocoa puffs... I love cocoa puffs... (rubs bar lovingly before opening it carefully and taking a small bite) YES!! OH YES!!! IT'S PRACTICALLY ORGASMIC!!! DEAR GOD IT'S WONDERFUL!!!! OOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!

Ed: I'll have what he's having.

Al: Hey... look, I think Roy's right! (points to door that says "Beyond". Next to it is a tiny sign that says "**Danger: This area of the store is off limits to customers becaue it leads out of our universe. Thank you- StoManagerre **" (and for those of you that can't read that here it is enlarged so you can see "Danger: This area of the store is off limits to customers because it leads out of our universe. Thank you- Store Manager")

Roy: (draws sword and waves it around) See! I told you there was a beyond section!

Scar: Hrmm... I wonder what this sign says...

Ed: Who cares? Let's go! (pushes everyone through the door and walks through himself. Everyone is suddenly floating in a blue tunnel. A small table with a stack of coffee mugs is floating next to them. Next to the table is a chair)

Greed: (sits in chair) My feet hurt from walking around.

Roy: I FOUND THE COFFEE MUGS!!!! (waves sword around again and almost lops Scar's head off)

Scar: Watch where you're swinging that thing!

Winry: (stuffs her purse full with coffee mugs) Well, we got what we need, now let's get out of here.

WHOOSH!

Al: Brother, what was that?

Ed: I don't kn- (a violent wind rushes through the tunnel and everyone is swept down it)

Roy: (sheathes his sword and hangs onto Scar for dear life)

Greed: (still in chair) THIS IS AWESOME!! WOOT!!! (throws hands up in the air)

Al: (grabs Ed) BROTHER HELP ME!!!

Winry: (reading sign she found on table) Can't you read? There was a sign at the door that said: Danger: This area of the store is off limits to customers because it leads out of our universe. Thank you- Store Manager. Oh and by the way, sorry the coffee mugs were so hard to find, we couldn't decide whether it would fit better in the bed or bath section, so our stock people just put them in the beyond section. We'll have the problem fixed soon though, don't worry. And also, can you believe Office Max? They sell this pen for 100 freakin' dollars!! Who in their right mind would buy it? Seriously, who wants a solid gold pen? What's the point? Once it breaks or runs out of ink, that's 100 dollars down the drain. Over that deal, I'd say you were getting screwed in the- (Author 1 smacks Author 2 in the back of the head. Author 3 shakes his head. Winry is still reading) Once again, sorry for the inconvenience...

Scar: Oh shit...

Ed: (opens eyes and groans) Ugh... wh-where are we?

Al: Brother! You're awake!

Greed: (still sitting in chair hair is ruffled and glasses are askew. Throws arms in the air) Let's do that again!

Winry: (stands up) We'll probably have to if we want to go back.

Scar: (pushes a whimpering Roy off of him) Get off me!

Roy: (opens eyes) Are we alive? (draws sword and thrusts it in the air) I knew we would be all along!

Toad: How'd you guys do that? There was a blue light and all of you fell out of it. (everyone stares at Toad) What?

Greed: (stands) I never thought... that'd I'd see anyone shorter than Ed...

Ed: (flares) ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT!?!?

Greed: No...

Ed: Oh, okay then. Go on.

Greed: (blinks) okay...

Roy: (eyes get huge) HOLY CRAP ITS A TALKING MUSHROOM!!!!

Toad: (sighs)

Roy: (licks lips) Anyone up for some mushroom? (raises sword and Toad starts to back away)

Scar: (puts a hand on Roy's shoulder, stopping him) Wait, if he's a native to this place, maybe he can tell us where we are.

Toad: That's an easy one. You're in the Mushroom Kingdom.

Roy: You mean there's more talking mushrooms?

Toad: (frowns irritatedly [is that a word?) I'm not a mushroom. That's just a hat.

Roy: But still, there's mushrooms, right?

Toad: How can you all stand being with him and not want to hurt him?

Ed: First of all, he has a sword.

Al: But that's not as bad as the fire...

Roy: (grins and makes a motion to snap) Yea, watch this!

Everyone: (tackles Roy) NOOO!

Toad: Okay...

Mario: (runs out of nowhere with Luigi) TOAD!!!!

Toad: (turns around) Oh hey Mario. What's up?

Mario: (sighs) Peach got kidnapped by Bowser again...

Toad: AGAIN?

Luigi: Frankly, I'm getting sick of this. I think Mario should dump her and let her take care of her own problems.

Mario: At least **I **have a girl.

Luigi: At least I'm not short and fat.

Mario: Hey... I'm fat you're ugly. I can diet.

Ed: I like the red one already.

Mario: Huh? Who are these guys?

Greed: Hey, you guys got any magic mushrooms here?

Mario: ...

Luigi: You mean shrooms?

Greed: Yeah.

Luigi: No

Greed: (looks sad) Oh well... at least I have my cocoa puffs. (gets another cereal bar)

Mario: (looks at cocoa puff bar and licks lips) Mama-mia...

Greed: (holds cocoa puffs to himself protectively) No fatty, you can't have any! ITS MINE!!! MINE I TELL YOU!!!! (nibbles on bar like a rabbit) mine...

Roy: Who's Mama Mia?

Luigi: (shakes head) It's a word. It's something we Italian people say when-

Scar: So we're in Italy?

Luigi: NO! (sighs) Never mind. We're confusing you as well as the Authors.

Bomb-omb: Zeeky Boogy Doog (bomb-omb blows up)

Scar: What was that?

Toad: That was a bomb-omb. But lately they've been acting strange. They never blew up as much. Now anytime someone says Zeeky Boo- (Luigi elbows him) uh the Zeeky words, they blow up, and the explosions are much bigger than before.

Luigi: We've been trying to find the reason behind all this, but now we're distracted with freeing Princess Peach from Bowser.

Roy: Did you just say Princess?

Luigi: Yeah, why do you-

Roy: (waves sword around and turns on his heroic voice) I will save the Princess for you!

Mario: You will?

Roy: But of course, there will be a fee...

Mario: Sure sure, what is it?

Roy: I want a ship.

Luigi: A ship?

Roy: Yes, a ship.

(Mario and Luigi look at each other)

Mario: I'm sure it can be arranged.

Roy: (stars in his eyes) Yes... FINALLY I SHALL START MY CREW OF SCABBEROUS HEATHANS THAT SHALL-

Winry: (nudges Roy) That's fine and all Roy, but do you even-

Roy: Hold on, I'm not done yet. I've been practicing for this moment. AND WE SHALL SCOUR THE WORLD OF ITS TREASURES AND PILLAGE AND PLUNDER THE WORLD FOR ALL ITS WORTH!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!... Okay I'm done now.

Winry: As I was saying, do you even know what this Bowser person can do?

Roy: I need not know my enemy. ALL SHALL BE DEFEATED FOR THE CAUSE!!

Ed: And this cause is?

Roy: You shall all be my crew.

Scar: I don't think so. I'm not going to be a crew of anything with you.

Roy: (leans in close to Scar) Just think Scar, with all the riches we will acquire, you can finally get that DDR game that Winry refuses to buy for you.

Scar: ... When do we sail?

Roy: (waves sword again) As soon as we kill Bowser!!

Winry: Uh oh...

Ed: What?

Winry: When Roy and Scar are plotting together, you know it can't be good.

Roy: (With Scar huddled over a map of Winry's house) So we'll strike here first and- (Scar nods and listens closely)

Fifteen Minutes later...

Roy: (rolls up map and stuffs it in his shirt) Okay, let's go slay Bowser! (turns to Mario) So where is he anyway?

Mario: (points to giant dark castle in the distance) Over there.

Roy: Let's go!

Winry: Can we all stay here and wait for you? I'd rather not get mixed up into anything...

Roy: (shrugs) Whatever... COME SCAR AND GREED!

Greed: I'd rather stay with Winry.

Roy: Okay... COME SCAR AND AL!!!

Al: I won't be able to fit in the castle door...

Roy: (sighs) Fine then... COME SCAR!

Ed: Hey what about me?

Roy: Oh hi Ed, I forgot you were here. You blend in with the other short people of this place.

Ed: Why you...

Roy: No matter! LET'S GO!!! (grabs Ed's sleeve and drags him off, Scar following behind.)

Scar: The DDR game better be worth it...

Later in the castle……

(suddenly everyone is pixilated like in the old Mario games, the lava pits even have those little funny shaped fire balls popping up every now and then)

Roy: (looks around at the lava pits and metal walls that you have to climb to get across the lava pits) Okay, this is incredibly gay. There's got to be a better way.

Ed: This is the best way there is. (jumps onto the metal wall with a BOING noise. Bowser's castle music plays in the background. He moves sideways along the wall and stops as one of those fireballs pop up in front of him, then he continues and jumps onto the other side with a BOING) See, easy!

Roy: (pushes Scar, who was just about to jump onto the metal wall, aside) OH! My turn! (Scar falls off the floor and into the pit of lava, then when Roy jumps, he misses the wall and also falls into the lava pit)

Ed: Hey, where'd you guys go?

Scar: (Roy and Scar suddenly appear at the beginning of the castle again) I'm going to dislocate your nose, Roy.

Roy (screams like a little girl)

Ed Great job Roy, you guys just lost a life!

Roy: Crap! How many do I have left?

Scar: (pushes Roy into the lava) 1.

Roy: (reappears next to Scar, looking angry) That wasn't very nice.

Scar: Deal with it. (jumps onto wall)

Back to the investigation……

Greed: What are you guys doing?

Toad: (Mario and Luigi are carrying a giant rocket like the one that jimmy neutron rode in that one movie) Our sources tell us that the answer to the Zeeky word mystery is on Mars. So they're going to Mars.

Greed: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Mario: (sets rocket down) It may sound stupid but the answer is on Mars.

Greed: And who exactly gave you this information.

Mario: Ummmmm...

flashback

Mario: Hey crazy dirty hippie we don't know.

Luigi: Though we'll surely lie about it later.

Mario: Do you know why the bomb-ombs are exploding?

Hippie: (takes a puff of his... "cigarette") Dude, the answer is on Mars.

end flashback

Luigi: Well, there's this guy.

Mario: He's totally clean. He doesn't do drugs. Does not!

Luigi: He cooks... brownies mostly...

Mario: Excellent brownies...

Winry: Something tells me this won't work.

Greed: Got any more of those brownies left?

(Mario and Luigi get in rocket)

(Rocket starts up and suddenly explodes)

(rewinds and Mario and Luigi get in Rocket. Rocket starts up and blasts off... only in the wrong direction and they hit a rock)

(rewinds... Mario and Luigi get in rocket. Rocket starts up and blasts off into the sky. Halfway to the ozone layer, the flames on the back of the rocket poofs out, and they fall back to the earth and explode as they hit the ground)

(rewinds again... Mario and Luigi get in rocket. Rocket starts up and blasts off into the sky... suddenly they crash into the moon and explodes. The moon falls and hits the earth which falls into the sun)

(rewinds yet again... Mario and Luigi get in the rocket. Rocket starts up and blasts off into the sky, they bypass the moon and crash into Mars and they explode. Mars shudders and falls into the moon which in turn falls into the earth which sinks into the lava filled ball that is the sun)

(rewinds... Mario and Luigi get in the rocket. Rocket starts up and blasts off into the sky, they bypass the moon and land safely on Mars)

Mario: (hops out of rocket) Sweet! Now we can solve the Zeeky Boogy Doog mystery!

(bomb-omb runs up, says Zeeky Boogy Doog and explodes, instantly slaying Mario and Luigi)

(rewinds... for the final time?... Mario and Luigi get in the rocket. Rocket starts up and blasts off into the sky, they bypass the moon and land safely on Mars)

Mario: (hops out of rocket) Sweet! Now we can solve the... the Zeeky word mystery!

Luigi: (Gets out of rocket as well) Hey look! What's that over there? (points to giant metal box about 50 feet away)

Mario: Hmmm... Good thing I packed this! (pulls a bomb-omb looking thing with a windup thing in the back)

Luigi: What's that for?

Mario: Watch. (winds it up and sets it on the ground. It walks 30 feet away and says zeeky boogy doog. A bomb pops out of the metal box and lands on the windup bomb-omb, and explodes)

Mario: HAHA! (winds up another walking bomb and throws it into the box. the box explodes)

Luigi: WE DID IT!!!

(they both climb into the rocket and the rocket starts up... and explodes)

(rewinds... just kidding )

Luigi: WE DID IT!!!

Mario: Now let's go back and see if they saved Princess Peach.

Meanwhile... on the "rescue mission"

Roy: AHHH!! GOOMBAS!!! (an army of goombas you know, those little tannish things with the pointy teeth that you just jump on and they kinda pop come after them)

Ed: WHEEE!!! (jumps from goomba to goomba like a skipping stone)

Scar: (grabs the heads of many a goomba as he imagines each different one as either Greed or Roy)

Roy: (pulls out sword and attacks a goomba)

Goombas in the back of the crowd: Dude... they're seriously killing us. This isn't cool. (goombas turn around and leave)

Roy: That was easy... (shifty eyes) too easy. (they open up the door that the goombas were guarding and enter the room)

Ed: (goes into the middle of the room) Hmmm... something's not right about this room.

Roy: (looking up with eyes like 0.0 ) Uh ohs...

Ed: What? (spiked ceiling suddenly falls on him, then retracts back up to the actual ceiling)

Roy: That's what...

Ed: (reappears next to Roy and Scar) Crap... I think there's a trick to this. Look, I can see the boss door across the room. (points to big door)

Scar: (walks across the room, completely unharmed)

Roy: (begins to run across the room) OH! ME NEXT!

Ed: (grabs Roy's coat and pulls him back just as the ceiling falls.) Whoa there Sparky.

(ceiling goes back up and Roy and Ed run across the room before the ceiling falls again. They enter the big door to find...)

Roy: (pointing at Bowser) OH MY GOD YOU ATE PRINCESS PEACH!!!!

Bowser: (wearing a pink dress) Umm... no I didn't...

Ed: (imitating Roy) OH MY GOD YOU ATE PRINCESS PEACH!!!!

Bowser: (angry) DID NOT!

Roy: DID TO!

Bowser: DID NOT!

Scar: Then why are you wearing her dress and crown-tiara-thingy?

Roy: OH MY GOD YOU'RE WEARING HER DRESS!!!!

Ed: MY EYES!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! MY EYES!!!! (falls to the ground and writhes around in pain while covering his eyes)

Bowser: (sits down and starts to cry) I THOUGHT IT WOULD FIT ME!!!! (Ed looks up and runs up to Bowser before comforting him with a box of Kleenex that Bowser looks at before dabbing his eyes with one) I mean it looked so cute and… it was just right there and… I just couldn't stop myself! (starts sobbing again)

Ed: (looks at the group and gives them the "What should we do?" look)

Roy: (points Scar) Go get some chocolate man.

Scar: (looks at Roy angrily) Why me?

Roy: You always have your wallet on you. Just run down to the candy store and buy a couple bars of chocolate.

Ed: (Bowser starts sobbing really hard again) JUST DO IT! (Scar leaves in a huff)

5 minutes later…

Scar: (returns with chocolate bars and hands them to Roy) Here. You owe me… (pulls out receipt) seven dollars and 57 cents.

Roy: Whatever. Ed, give Bowser the chocolate. (Ed gives Bowser the chocolate and he calms down)

Bowser: Sniff… thank you. (wipes eyes before standing up) So what did you guys come here for anyways?

Scar: We came here for Princess Peach. Now hand her over so I can get my new DDR game! (holds out hand at he stares up at Bowser who blankly looks at it)

Bowser: (really slowly as if he doesn't understand) So… you came here… for Princess Peach… because she was… kidnapped… by me… (snaps out of it) Goomba 54789! Bring me my tape recorder! (Goomba 54789 comes running out of the back bearing a tape recorder twice his size) Thank you. (Goomba 54789 runs off as Bowser begins to listen to the tape)

Bowser on Tape: Because I know I'm going to forget this later I'm going to put it on this new snazzy tape recorder that I got on sale at Walmart. Anyways… Princess Peach is in cell number… um… crap! Goomba 54789! Bring me my other tape recorder! (huffing and puffing can be heard in the background as Goomba 54789 retrieves the other tape recorder) Thank you.

Bowser on Other Tape Recorder: Because I know I'm going to forget this later I'm going to put it on this new snazzy tape recorder that I got on sale at Walmart. Anyways… Princess Peach is being held in that weird little cell-cagey-thing that I built for her way back when. It's located on the right walls of the throne room. DON'T FORGET TO FEED HER! You can't just go out and buy another Princess Peach like that turtle and canary, and gerbil, and hamster, and… (the sound of Bowser covering the microphone can be heard as he talks to another Goomba) How many other pets have I had?

Goomba on Other Tape: Countless, sir.

Bowser on Other Tape Recorder: Anyways, don't forget to feed her! (tape shuts off)

Bowser: (shuts off tape before throwing it aside) Now I remember! (rips off dress and looks really mean)

Ed: (runs back to Scar and Roy) AH! HE'S NUDE!!!!

Roy: Wait! How do we really know that you didn't eat Princess Peach?

Bowser: (sighs loudly as he waddles over to the wall and hits a hidden switch to reveal Princess Peach who is brushing her hair) Happy now?

Princess Peach: (looks out excitedly) Hi Mar-… where's Mario?

Scar: He got tired of saving your sorry ass. Come down here so we can turn you in and I can get my new DDR game. (Princess Peach looks offended)

Bowser: You play DDR?

Scar: Yeah. I'm the DDR King! (crosses his arms and looks proud as Ed adopts a gangster pose)

Ed: And that's the truth! With cheese on it!

Scar: Ed! (Ed backs off) Well, yeah, I'm the DDR King. Never lost yet.

Bowser: Can you lose in DDR?

Scar: Yeah, when you get lower than the AAA then you lose.

Roy: Then your Author girlfriend loses all the time. She sucks.

Scar: Shut up! And she is not my girlfriend.

Roy: Whatever. I saw you two making out last night.

Scar: WHAT!! I was on the couch last night watching the Lord of the Rings series with you and Greed!

Roy: (crosses his arms) How do I know that? I wasn't there.

Scar: (puts his hand on his forehead as he shakes it) Oh… my… God…

Bowser: Hey! Hey! (jumping up in down like a little kid who doesn't get what he wants at the grocery store) Pay attention to me. (everyone looks over at him and he stops) She's staying here.

Ed: Who?

Bowser: Princess Peach.

Ed: Princess Peach?

Scar: Come on!

Bowser: Princess Peach is staying here. You little punks won't be able to stop my master plan!!!

Scar: So... what's this master plan?

Bowser: I haven't figured it out yet...

Scar: Oh...

Roy: Can we kill him anyway?

Scar: If you want.

Roy: (draws sword and runs at Bowser)

Back with the others...

Winry: Are you serious?

Mario: Yup, it worked.

Al: That's weird...

Greed: So... if I stand by you (walks over to stand by Mario) and say Zeeky Boogy Doog...

Mario: (screams like a little girl and flinches) ... (nothing happens)

Down at Bowser's Castle...

(Scar and Roy sit looking thoroughly beat up in the corner)

Roy: We have only one hope!

Scar: (Bowser takes a threatening step towards them) And that is?

Roy: (pulls out the last candy bar) Hold him down.

Ed: (Scar grabs Ed and Roy unwraps the candy bar. Ed looks at candy with big eyes and starts shaking) CANDY CANDY CANDY!!!!

Roy: (tentatively puts the candy bar in Ed's hand and Scar lets go. Ed messily devours the candy bar) Step back Scar...

10 minutes later

(Scar and Roy return with Princess Peach and a hog-tied Ed)

Roy: You don't need to worry about Bowser anymore.

Winry: What's wrong with Ed?

Roy: (quickly) Nothing.

Mario: Umm... about that ship we said we'd get you...

Roy: (eagerly) Yeah?

Mario: We were pretty sure you were going to die... so we kinda can't get you one.

Roy: ...

Scar: So what you're saying is I didn't have to help him at all?

Mario: Basically.

Scar: (punches Roy in the nose and walks away)

Roy: (sits down and cries)

(off in the distance, Bowser's castle explodes and Scar returns shortly afterward, still looking angry.)

Winry: (looking at Roy's nose) Roy... I think your nose is dislocated...

Ed: (breaks the ropes binding him and starts digging like a crazy person)

Winry: Ed! Stop that this inst... (stops as Ed digs up a door that looks exactly like the "Beyond" door in Bed Bath & Beyond) Whoa… how'd he do that?

Ed: (guttural snarl)

Winry: (hits Ed over the head with a wrench and he is knocked unconscious) Come on guys lets g- ROY PUT THAT DOWN THIS INSTANT! (Roy drops a funny looking purple mushroom those poisonous ones from the 2nd game that if you get them, you die)


End file.
